Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
New menu item
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
everyone’s a critic
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.