My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.