“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.