Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
yeah not falling for this one
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking