remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few