Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.