Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
You Might Also Like
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff