me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.