ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”