Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Netflix: We have Less
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.