Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
guilty
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America