Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Best spoiler warning ever
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.