Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.