if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”