*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.