I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all