if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.