The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.