BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am