the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
oh shit
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Today’s Times
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
This is me 🤣🤣