GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*