I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
never deleting this app.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.