Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the