Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”