Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
tourist season
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Come back with a warrant
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live