Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The biggest mystery of our time
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.