When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”