If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle