Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?