I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You Might Also Like
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
This is my emotional support knife.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!