You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
They got a point!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
There’s never enough good news
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.