I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo