10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.