Worlds greatest photobomb
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’