People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.