[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
How to wake up a Beagle
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.