Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Unimpressed
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
😂😂😂
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Jupiter
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.