Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.