I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Running from your problems is cardio .
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic