My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”