Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
this came to me in a vision
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.