So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
me irl
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol