Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
i wish we could shoplift online
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff