14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.