“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
no cat here