10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?