Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I had to Stop for this
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
こいつ天才