Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Need this in my life lol
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.