Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!