My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.